


reflection

by flowerhyunjins



Series: (excerpts from) letters i will never send [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, but no one actually dies, changbin x unnamed partner, id like to think its jisung, letter format, mention of suicide, originally a letter to my own parents, self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 23:59:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18559771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: changbin made a mistake; the best decision of his life, yet one he will never stop wishing he could take it all back.or, in which changbin doesn't live up to his parents' expectations, but neither do they in changbin's eyes.





	reflection

i dont know how much longer i can take this. if this was the home i was trying to get back to after all those nights of suffering in australia, im not sure which one is worse anymore.

if youre keeping me away from him because you don’t want me to get hurt like i always have, that’s not what i want you to do. no. the night i tried to tell you what happened, i wanted you to stay calm and walk me through it. i wanted you to tell me that it was alright, even if i had gone against my word and yours. i wanted you to accept it, and help me make it a good experience for myself, instead of destroying me from the inside.

instead of the above, you tried to make it seem like i committed the worlds deadliest sin ever. as if i’d met the one person who you tried to keep me away all this time. i told you how much i regretted what i did but at the same time how thankful i was to have made that decision. i told you that every second of my life, i would’ve taken back everything i did on january 29th if i'd known that this was how it’d turn out. i told you that every second of my life was spent stressing over how to make you happy, and how that affected my grades. i told you all this because i finally felt safe to talk to you again, but you ruined that trust. you ruined that sense of security i found in you guys into one that basically prevented me from doing anything with my friends anymore. it turned into the fear that even if i had told you, you’d find something wrong in what i did. that maybe without knowing, i had once again committed the worlds deadliest sin. that i’d been doing everything wrong this whole time.

that’s not what family’s supposed to feel like.

the night you basically forced me to tell you everything i did on february 22nd, i should’ve known it was the worst decision of my life. i should’ve known everything i said and did would be used against me in the future. i should’ve known that no matter how much tears i spilt or how much skin i scratched off my arms and legs that day, it wouldn’t have been worth it. none of it was worth it. the only positive thing that came out of that was the split second of relief i had after i _thought_ everything was going to be better after i had told you. but even that was temporary. the fact that you told me you wouldn’t be mad was temporary as well, because yes, you weren’t mad, temporarily. you weren’t mad the first few days, but you blew up in my face because i merely spoke to jisung over the phone.

i’ve always loved the promises you made to me. the secrets you swore you’d keep until the end of your life. the regrets i vented out to you. the emotions that i couldn’t bear to keep to myself. i love how you always told dad about them. i love how in the end, i was in the wrong once again. i love how in the end, after he yelled at me for hours on end like his life depended on it, after the multiple hour-long lectures i received over how wrong i was, after all the sneaking in my phone and printing out 12 pages worth of chats to confront me about, you pretend like you did the right thing. i love how, even after seeing your husband absolutely tear your son up on the inside, you still have the audacity to think you’re in the right. that maybe, i deserved it all; the name calling, the tears, the insecurity, the nights spent crying, the sleepless nights wondering if everything would be better soon or if i could end it all right there and then. because that’s what a parent does; make their child feel like absolute shit to the point where they’re willing to take their own lives because they cant live with themselves anymore.

mom, that night i gave you annd dad my trust, what i wanted was for you to tell me was that it was okay. what i wanted was for you to guide me into making this an experience i can benefit from instead of not letting me have the experience at all. what i wanted was acceptance; something you might never be able to give me, because i have to live in the image you’ve set for me. the image of the person you wanted me to be, and not who i am.

the person who i will never be able to become.


End file.
